Intimacy Issues

That's me. I love you or I don't care- there is no middle ground, no delicate dance of compromise and finesse. Tall, thick walls compartmentalize the different arenas of my life: love, family, work, expression...

Even my baby-blogs. Uptempo Plum is where I post my mushy personal musings; Demon Sauce, is where I work it like a school project. Or so it started anyway...

Lately, I've found life getting kinda blurry as my demons blast through the heart-shaped wall I so fervently bricked and cemented, spraying pink mist and mush over my perfectly pressed outfits and ruining my make-up. It's a good thing, people tell me, to explore your yin and yang and lose your mind and put yourself out there and let people in and all that crap. Therefore, in an effort to be a more fully realized person I'm taking a HUGE step and...

I'M MERGING MY BLOGS...
...crickets...

I said, I am merging my blogs. Together. Intimate-like. Like the Brady Bunch.

Still nothing...? Huh.

It's kind of a big deal. Walls are coming down, guys! Songs are written about unions like this! My Type-A Over-Achiever Barbie is letting my sensitive, brooding Emo Ken move in to the Barbie Mansion with all his knats and baggage and- stop rolling your eyes!

Well, I think is a big fucking deal and I'm pretty puffy about the whole thing. Uptempo Plum is on hiatus, past Plum posts are now integrated into Demon Sauce, and Demon Sauce will serve as my only blog until further notice. I'm choosing to go with hiatus rather than straight retirement because I'd have babies with the name "Uptempo Plum" if I could, but also in case Barbie and Ken don't work out.

Baby steps, y'all...

Luciel vs The What-Ifs

Another blog, another "Awesome, Inc." template.  (I love you "Awesome, Inc." templaaate! xoxo!)

I'm still new-ish to blogging, therefore newish to what exactly the hell I'm doing, rules, minutia, blah, blah. Yes, I could continue to only write about my own BS, which I'm good at since I'm straight-up self-absorbed (you love me!), but since the only people who care would include the 2 people legally required to and maybe 15% of my facebook friends, I felt the need to branch out.

(For those of you who still want to read the pathetic meanderings of a girl at home on Saturday nights, I will continue airing dirty laundry on Uptempo Plum.)

This blog is about demons.

I love demons. From the broad psychological monsters that push us to drink, screw and squander to the nasty nasties that elevate mediocre horror films into legitimate creepshows with nothing more than crucifix creativity and some body contortions. Check this out:
DEMON, n.
1. An evil spirit
2. A persistently tormenting person, force, or passion
3. One who is extremely zealous, skillful, or diligent

What's not to like?! Evil? I love evil! And the "persistently tormenting... etc, etc"...? Are you trying to turn me on? Not to mention zealous/skillful/diligent is so totally me. So, yes. Demons.

I'll start with one of my personal least favorites: The What-Ifs. Tiny bastards that travel in packs of a billion. Though they look, feel, and sound real, they're not. Difficult to exorcise if entertained for too long, but ultimately a good night sleep and a nice sunny day are the best temporary cure, second only to a good dose of reality. A strong spiritual practice helps.

Today I started to fall down the slippery grease-slick slope of WHAT IF. Igor, my ego, pushed me down the shaft when I wasn't looking and suddenly thousands of What-Ifs started slapping me in the face. What if I never get a job? What if I run out of money? What if I can't feed my cat? Real concerns smacking the rose-tinted shades I love so much off my face, I froze in terror and impotence.

After 2 seconds of torture - because What-Ifs multiply like knats (inside joke, http://biancaarvin.blogspot.com/2011/01/knot-gnat-last-knight.html ) if you let them play for too long - I thought to distract myself. I opened my book of REAL demons (no home is complete without one) to a random page and read about LUCIEL.

Luciel appears as a serpent with a woman's head (ugh) and is one of twelve dukes who serve Hydriel. Luciel may seem middle management, but he's no small potato- he has 1,320 ministering spirits carry out his commands! Luciel's turn-ons are bogs and swamps, and despite his appearance, he's courteous and a nice guy.

Not the Match.com profile I would pick, but whaddayaknow- a nice evil spirit! I like!

As I pondered Luciel, a got a flash of perspective on my What-Ifs. As much as they torment me, a time or ten (or more) What-Ifs have saved my ass. ("Why are you walking through the French Quarter alone after 3am? WHAT IF YOU GET KIDNAPPED, RAPED, AND MURDERED? Hail a cab, you jackass!") Like Luciel, What-Ifs are evil by nature and origin, but don't necessarily mean any harm. They're just doing their job.

Everyone has demons. Most people spend life avoiding, placating, or indulging demons of their own design. I know I do. So, I figure, why not try a little perspective from some real demon friends? And so I begin, with "Demon Sauce"...

*Thanks to "Dictionary of Demons: Names of the Damned" by Michelle Belanger. Llewellyn Publications, 2010