Oh, them. The good ones. The ones I take for granted as I wrestle and roll in the muck with the unclean, the unwanted, the misunderstood demon lovelies that distract like screaming brats two hours past naptime.
The Angels.
What of angels? They get all the praise and all the credit and all their pictures up in places of worship. They get hymns and holidays and celebrations all over the world. They get to sit on top of Christmas trees. Frankly, I'm so used to angels they don't even register-
Correction. They didn't used to register.
I started a new job about six weeks ago that has absorbed all my time and attention. It can feel like the greatest job in the world one moment and the worst decision I've ever made in the next. This job is, without a doubt, the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life.
I sound like I'm over-exagerrating for drama's sake. I do that a lot, but this time I'm telling the God's Honest Truth. My new position challenges me in every way I've never let myself be challenged before. Not little challenges either- these are K2-sized bullies. I've burst out crying to my mom, in front of assorted cashiers, and to postal workers- not all the time, but I wouldn't call it a rare occurrence either. The job frustrates me, infuriates me, surprises me, thrills me, entertains me, spoils me, comforts me-
...What? Wasn't I just talking about how much everything sucks? It depends on your perspective. Being challenged is hard. The bigger the challenge, the more difficult it feels- but that doesn't have to be bad and that has everything to do with awareness. And this is what got me noticing the angels... and I learned a few things.
A. Angels are everywhere. Even on the phone. I called a hotel and a clerk I'd spoken to the night before answered. I didn't tell him I was stressed or worried or having an anxiety attack, and yet prompted by nothing, he told me I was doing a great job. He reassured me with his marble-y Louisiana accent that everything was okay and that I was okay. I silently cried on the other end of the phone line- it was exactly what I needed to hear.
B. Angels have perfect timing. From the guy who lets me in front of him at the grocery store right as the twenty pounds of vegetables I'm carrying in my arms are about to fall and scatter all over the floor to the shipping company who defies expectations and delivers precious cargo a week early impressing my boss enough to compliment me (text: "u rock!") right when my ego needed it.
C. Angels give you what you need. Easily. Turns out all you have to do is ask for help. This is something I didn't use to do because I was wired to believe I could do everything by myself perfectly with no help from anyone because I was smart/strong/capable. I thought if I needed help it meant I was dumb/weak/worthless. Not everyone, mind you, just me. That was then. (Note "then" = pre-Awesome Breakdown 2011.) This is now.
Now, I humbly ask for as much help as I can remember to. Remembering to is the hardest part, because over 30 years of habitual perfectionist martyrdom can be a tough groove to skip, but practice makes perfect.
So I give thanks to every angel who's thus done me a solid in the past six weeks. And as I continue to ask for help, I look forward to continued visits, phone calls, and pleasant surprises from my halo'd posse. And maybe if I can get my act together, I'll expand my musings from my horrible demon-lovelies to include some of the virtuous, pretty, white-tutu'd angel babies as well.
Thanks, yall...
The Angels.
What of angels? They get all the praise and all the credit and all their pictures up in places of worship. They get hymns and holidays and celebrations all over the world. They get to sit on top of Christmas trees. Frankly, I'm so used to angels they don't even register-
Correction. They didn't used to register.
I started a new job about six weeks ago that has absorbed all my time and attention. It can feel like the greatest job in the world one moment and the worst decision I've ever made in the next. This job is, without a doubt, the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life.
I sound like I'm over-exagerrating for drama's sake. I do that a lot, but this time I'm telling the God's Honest Truth. My new position challenges me in every way I've never let myself be challenged before. Not little challenges either- these are K2-sized bullies. I've burst out crying to my mom, in front of assorted cashiers, and to postal workers- not all the time, but I wouldn't call it a rare occurrence either. The job frustrates me, infuriates me, surprises me, thrills me, entertains me, spoils me, comforts me-
...What? Wasn't I just talking about how much everything sucks? It depends on your perspective. Being challenged is hard. The bigger the challenge, the more difficult it feels- but that doesn't have to be bad and that has everything to do with awareness. And this is what got me noticing the angels... and I learned a few things.
A. Angels are everywhere. Even on the phone. I called a hotel and a clerk I'd spoken to the night before answered. I didn't tell him I was stressed or worried or having an anxiety attack, and yet prompted by nothing, he told me I was doing a great job. He reassured me with his marble-y Louisiana accent that everything was okay and that I was okay. I silently cried on the other end of the phone line- it was exactly what I needed to hear.
B. Angels have perfect timing. From the guy who lets me in front of him at the grocery store right as the twenty pounds of vegetables I'm carrying in my arms are about to fall and scatter all over the floor to the shipping company who defies expectations and delivers precious cargo a week early impressing my boss enough to compliment me (text: "u rock!") right when my ego needed it.
C. Angels give you what you need. Easily. Turns out all you have to do is ask for help. This is something I didn't use to do because I was wired to believe I could do everything by myself perfectly with no help from anyone because I was smart/strong/capable. I thought if I needed help it meant I was dumb/weak/worthless. Not everyone, mind you, just me. That was then. (Note "then" = pre-Awesome Breakdown 2011.) This is now.
Now, I humbly ask for as much help as I can remember to. Remembering to is the hardest part, because over 30 years of habitual perfectionist martyrdom can be a tough groove to skip, but practice makes perfect.
So I give thanks to every angel who's thus done me a solid in the past six weeks. And as I continue to ask for help, I look forward to continued visits, phone calls, and pleasant surprises from my halo'd posse. And maybe if I can get my act together, I'll expand my musings from my horrible demon-lovelies to include some of the virtuous, pretty, white-tutu'd angel babies as well.
Thanks, yall...
