'Losing yourself happens one no at a time,'

...writes Shonda Rhimes, my nomination for Oprah once Oprah retires.

9/9, EARLY

Snake slide!

It sounds like a war cannon. The dogs burrow into me. It’s La Virgin de Loreto’s celebration day. I’d read there were going to be fireworks at 5am. (Thank God it’s 6am. I guess even saint celebrations happen on languid Mexico time.)

These fireworks aren’t the fun ones. It’s a flash of light with a BOOM. It’s not like there is an awe inspiring show to make up for the noise. It’s just BOOOM!!

The dogs and I watch TV for a while. Schnauzer Mom Lynn said CNN soothes them in the face of fireworks or thunder. I can’t stand the news for longer than 10 minutes so we flip until we get to Mariachi music videos. Lotsa machismo and lotsa cheating.

Cuddling and caring for the dogs takes my mind of myself. My anxiety is 1000% self centered. I’m not saying I enjoyed cannon sounds every couple minutes from 6 to 7am, but I’m grateful for them. 

This morning there is a Temezcal (a sweat lodge) for the new moon scheduled at the botanical garden. I’m looking forward to it, convinced it’ll Purge any lingering Stuff.

Is this cool or what? They're rattlesnakes.

I decide to walk the mile and a half to the gardens, but halfway up - up because it is steeeeeeeeep - I make a wrong turn and a taxi appears. I don’t think, I just wave. I’m so tired, I don’t have time to be too scared to talk to a stranger. 

9am

The Temezcal is cancelled because not enough people reserved ahead of time. I’m not a disappointed as I thought I’d be. The view and vibe of El Charco del Ingenio Jardín Botánico has me psyched to just hike the grounds.

It’s early enough to walk the natural reserve in relative silence. I see a group on the trail before me and go the opposite way. The walking trails are a loop(ish), so I’ve just bought myself some nice alone time. In quick succession, I find the Pollinator Garden, I see a blue butterfly the size of my outspread hand(!!!!), and I slide down a rattlesnake slide :) This place is healing AF. (Note for Grandma H, “AF” = “as all get out”)

South (water) from the Sun?Moon center

I wander onto the Four Winds Plaza, a vast ritual space honoring the 1991 solar eclipse. I’ve seen The Craft, so I know I’ve wandered onto sacred ground. Different colored rocks make the pattern of the moon and sun and the four points with their corresponding natural resources. (FYI, North is earth, South is water, East is Flora, West is Fauna. I didn’t know any of this and was thrilled to learn. PS The Craft doesn't use the same corners :/ ) 

I meditate in the middle of the moon and sun. I journal. I cry, of course. When people show up, I fight the urge to collect my stuff and not be That Lady. After two seconds the urge fades. I’m not ready to leave yet. I don’t care that I’m That Lady. This feels good. I’m gonna do it as long as I need.

The rest of the nature walk is lovely. There is a random swing in the middle of a path that I play on for a minute, lest I break it. It’s clear this rope-on-branch swing was made for smaller people 100 lbs lighter than me. There is a kickass biome housing, among other things, some rare and endangered species of plants native to Mexico.

Native dancers

On my way home, I hear a parade. Something I’ve discovered in Mexico: when you hear a parade, you go toward the parade. I abandon my route home and witness the most random collection of groups honoring the Virgin. First a military type brass band, followed by native dancers performing to drum beats (my FAVORITE), followed by people dressed in horrifying Halloween costumes dancing to loud techno. 

I do some research, and the scary people are called Locos (crazies). They have their own parade and celebration that started when San Miguel was mostly orchards. (I’m massively truncating this story.) The dancing was an offering to the saints and farmers started dressing in costume to scare away curious people and let the offering of dance take place in peace. In time, the scary costume and dance merged and the Locos got organized into their own parade and day of celebration in the Spring.

Locos!

I spend the rest of the day listening to Shonda Rhimes' “Year of Yes” and trying to make the half raw chicken I poorly cooked into something. (Chicken & broccoli. It’s not great.) 

Whereas the first half of Shonda Rhimes’ book made me feel terrible; (I started it before the Purge, so let’s assume Shonda Rhimes was the straw that broke my Saturday) post-Purge, I’m getting the

Being That Lady

message. Now, I love the book. I love Shonda. Part of me considers watching the first 10 (11?) seasons of Gray’s Anatomy so I can have Christina Yang as a best friend, too. Maybe next time I have the flu. 

9/10, 7am

I do yoga. I don’t cry, but I don’t feel well. I’m exhausted. I’m craving structure. I realize I haven’t had a solid routine since late July before all the fun and craziness of visitors and travel took over my life. 

I change my flight. Originally, my plan was to leave in 10 days. Now, I’m leaving on Friday. For a hot 48 hours or so, I’d talked myself into going to Mexico City for Diez y Seis de Septiembre, because Independence Day, wooo!! I’ve been told it’s an insane party! I’m here anyway, aren’t I?!

I’m wary in a crowd on a good day. The thought of scuttling through a citywide party trying not to get raped or vomited on (I’m terrified of rape & vomit in the US, too. More so, to be honest.) makes me want to hide. So I’m coming home. 

I was raised with the belief that plans are PLANS. When I was an assistant and my boss

Swing 'em if ya got 'em!

would have me change his flights, I would ask the travel agent to do this like I was asking for a personal loan. Canceling my Mexico City Air BnB and changing my flight feels revolutionary.

I’m all over the place about my decision to leave early. I’m sad that I feel too fragile to stay. I’m glad I’m taking care of myself. I feel guilty that I can’t make use of such a great opportunity (“There are starving children in America, Bianca!” has been my mental reprimand since I got here.) I’m proud I’m making my health a priority.  

My whole life I've muscled through jobs, relationships, even nights out despite how my body reacted. This feels cheesy to say, but whatever: This time I'm saying YES to my health and my needs. Thank you, Shonda. I forgive you for ruining my vacation.  

BioDome!!

View from the eclipse

My favorite cactus looks like BRAAAINS! ("Cerebro" = brains)