"We must risk delight..."

"We must have the stubbornness to accept our gladness in the ruthless furnace of this world," wrote Jack Gilbert, invoked by Liz Gilbert's, BIG MAGIC. I'm rereading BIG MAGIC on this trip, so look forward to lots of quotables because as much as I disliked Eat, Pray, Love, I adore Elizabeth Gilbert's perspective on courage, creativity, and life. 

Monday ???pm 17 hrs after take-off

I'm landing in Barcelona! 

My anxiety/depression/denial/privilege has, to this point, numbed me to my trip. I think? Either that or I've become the world's most jaded and ungrateful unemployed person to vacation internationally.  (PS I don't want to get anyone's feelers alarmed with the word "depression". It's something I feel is always in my peripheral view. And I'm comfortable with it there- bow down to my therapist and Lexapro. It's nothing to "fix" or hide. I like to acknowledge my Lil' Dee.)

Spoiler: I love my Barcelona home

I've been waiting to see how I feel when I land, because I don't think I've been sufficiently excited about a month in Spain. I'm clearly overthinking, which... I just put myself to sleep, that line of thinking is so boring.

So I land and... I'm here! I'm so busy being "here" I don't have time to think and THANK GOD for that. 

Now, Spanish was my first language because my grandma couldn't speak English. While my mom worked, Grandma took care of me until she died of breast cancer and I had to go to school. Once in school, English killed the majority of my Spanish vocabulary but not my accent or comprehension-  it's probably equivalent to a four year-old's comprehension, but I get as much as a four year old on a good day in English so I'm winning all the way around. 

This is awesome because: I understand Spanish! I'm not lost! I can sound like a native! I look like a native! (Apparently, bc plenty of people ask me questions about the airport wifi in baggage claim. "Eh... No sé el wifi, lo siento.")

Not quite as awesome: all of the above applies until it doesn't. And I'm HISTORICALLY, EPICLY TERRIBLE at asking for help. It's something I'm working on. Grudgingly.

The ghost of me & My Buddy

But not today. After I get my luggage, I fake it til I make it through buying a new SIM card for my phone and setting it up with the Vodafone chick who only spoke Spanish to me when she heard my accent. This is a testament to how easy setting up a new SIM card is. Except I missed something about dialing some number and giving some code so now when I try to call my mom, I get a message in Spanish that is so fast I can't decipher it. Booooooooo. 

I'm back online however and I follow Paula's (my Air BnB hostess) excellent directions to her flat. (Once I find the metro, that is, which took such a long time it's embarrassing. The metro is clearly marked. I just refused to see it because I kept ping ponging between one metro sign with an arrow pointing left and another sign with an arrow pointing right. Of course I didn't ask anyone for help, I just walked a groove into the sidewalk until I noticed a metro sign across the way with an arrow pointing into the next terminal. Jesus. Christ.)

My Buddy looks like he's bowing to Uma.
As we all should.

My metro stop is a 5 minute walk to Paula's place. It's dark by the time I get off the metro, but I feel at ease in the neighborhood. It's nowhere near touristy anything, it's just normal Barcelona WHICH I LOVE. My sense of direction makes a 5 minute walk take 10 minutes, but I find Paula's place and climb the steps to her top floor apartment. My Buddy (my backpack) is pretty well trying to kill me by now and I cannot wait to rip him off my back. 

Paula is amazing. I can tell as soon as I hear her voice coaxing me up the four flights to her front door. She is originally from Argentina but has lived in Spain for 30 years. I keep wanting to hug her. She's so rad. 

The night is the perfect temperature. Cool enough to be refreshing but warm enough that you don't even think of needing a sweater. I stand on Paula's terrace feeling right and good, and not numb at all. Fireworks bloom up from one of the neighborhoods- "what's that for?" I ask Paula. "That's quite a welcome for you," Paula replies. 

I smile. 

My view for the next four days